It took me to turn 26 to finally explore the world of online dating. What was I doing so far, you would ask.
Well, I was swept off my feet by my high school sweetheart at 16, and that lasted a good eight years. And, now, from being the girl with the most stable relationship, I am officially the only single person in my group, though it’s not like I haven’t tried.
Is it that hard to find a decent guy, the right guy, or any guy at all?
Honestly, the old-school romantic in me waited for love to find me. Coffee shops? Check. Pubs? Check. Grocery store? Check. After an eternity it made me wonder if love needed a little nudge and some technology. So, after much contemplation, I installed a dating app and thus began the greatest adventure of my love life. After a tiring number of left and right swipes, I agreed to some dates (Not at once, no worries).
Here is how they went.
Ghosting Is Scarier Than Ghosts
The first right swipe that turns into a date for me actually becomes a series of dates. He took me out on my ice cream dates, that too for my favourite flavour, orange. Sometimes at 3 in the morning too! A great few ‘obsessed with me’ weeks later I found his WhatsApp DP gone and his dating profile deleted. If you are already going "Oh! Poor thing," I would request you to hold the thought a little longer.
Because if you thought it was a standalone case of ghosting in my dating app adventure, I’m afraid to state otherwise.
The next time I went for someone a little older than me (say, my type). I, unmistakably Bengali with my name and face, tend to share with my dates how, if I date a non-Bengali, he has to learn a few Bengali words. It was when my 33-year-old date pulled me close, looked deep into my eyes and asked in his husky voice, “What are those words?” that I realised I might have met my Mr Right. Things went smooth as butter until one Saturday when he left for Chandigarh for some charity work (or that’s what he told me). His last text read, “I’m already missing you.” And then he stopped missing me altogether. I never heard back. And the old-school romantic in me can’t help but wonder “Who raised these men?” Why can't we leave with a simple "Hey, this isn't my zing. Good luck on your way!" Be a little charitable, you ass!
These experiences took a toll on me. Now I instantly delete the chat if someone doesn’t reply in an hour, just to save my heart a little from the pang.
I realised soon that it wasn’t that rare an experience – nor was it just for women – when I spoke to a few others about their dating experiences.
My colleague Varun Verma, who is 26 like me, said, “I matched with a girl. She texted that she found me cute. We started vibing well and decided to meet. And out of nowhere, she ghosted me. That left me with insecurities that I might not match up to society’s beauty standards. Like there is something lacking in me.”
Varun is a lot like me on this count. So I obviously ignored what he said and took the next plunge.
Gargi Vishnoi, counselling psychologist, Jaipur, said, “Ghosting is a real problem and it happens due to lack of accountability. The ghosters avoid confrontations. They could have lost interest or found someone else but they cannot have the difficult conversation. They are just following the avoidance principle. This could be attributed to the kind of household they were raised in.”
It also comes from a place of respect and with so many interactions people hardly are able to connect emotionally to offer the minimum respect, she added.
The One Drowning in Whiskey River
A few sobs later I was sitting in front of another suitor. A few more dates went by with him and I felt assured that this could be something meaningful. So what if all he does is call me over for drinks, I told myself. Big deal if he passes out by 10 pm with a full peg in his hand, I insisted. Maybe it was the weekend. Perhaps he had a long day at the office.
Finding these harmless excuses for the first time was all fine, but I sure as hell didn’t sign up for pulling his 5’11 stone cold body onto the bed like a drunkard’s wife. After the third night of me living the horrific life of Jessie Burlingame from ‘Gerald’s Game’, it finally dawned on me what an A-class alcoholic I was dealing with. And now if a guy goes for his fourth drink the panic kicks in me and I end up asking, “Are you a regular drinker?”
Not to be a prude – because I won’t mind a couple of LIITs myself once in a while – but shouldn’t there be a limit?
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The Eid Ka Chand AKA the Lovebomber
Next, I encountered this special category of men who would spend a whole day talking to you and, just when you think you might have found a great match, they will disappear. They might pop up the next day or a few days later with a ‘ssup’, as if nothing happened. One of these guys might even take it a step up and plan a date. Only to never text you again. The story might have a few twists depending on individuals. But I’m sure you get what I’m saying.
This has happened, of course, across genders. Talking about his experience, Nikhil Singh, a Kolkata resident, said, “A guy I was talking to made a plan to meet me and ended up ghosting me. I tried to reach him first. After months, he texted me and asked for another chance. We again made a plan to meet and soon enough he ghosted me again. After a few months, he again returned with apologies, but repeated the same thing.”
“I felt like he was making fun of me. Maybe he was texting me out of boredom and laughing at the fact that I wanted a relationship,” he added.
Whatever goes on in their minds, this behaviour instils insecurity in people who did nothing to deserve that.
The No Label Guy
Anyway, back to my story specifically. On my right-swipe list next is the type that I like to call VCG, short for very cute guy. A classic VCG is never in the headspace for anything serious. He is up for other things, though. News flash: In a month, he is dating somebody else and looking for a future, but his offer for me stands still. So honest, so very cute; interesting, right?
Sharing a similar incident, Ankita Bangwal, another of my colleagues from Delhi, said, “I met this sweet guy that I really liked. Things started going really well. He was very loving and ticked all the boxes. But whenever I asked him where we were heading, he would just flip and say something like ‘I need time. I have so much on my plate. I can’t think of this right now’.”
Cuteness can only take you so far.
“We went on and off for a while but whenever the topic of ‘what next’ popped up, he would go back to the same and would blame me for finding ways to have a fight. In some time it started taking a toll on me,” Ankita added.
The Pool Of Options, And Burnout
Dating apps come with never-ending options. So many preferences to set. You can literally get most of your checklist matched with only a few settings. And even with all the checklists ticked, we hardly find someone worth going out with.
Talking about ‘dating fatigue’, Akshay Jha, Creative Head of The Intimacy Creator, a relationship coaching organisation, said, “Burnouts in the online dating world are plenty. Some people get into doom-scrolling and never get matches; some get too many matches and experience choice overload.”
This burnout, too, has types.
“For some, burnout is the repetitiveness of conversations; for others, the perception that the profiles they are matching with are of ‘bad quality’. Once someone reaches the burnout stage, they experience loneliness, poor self-esteem, even misogyny or misandry, plus resentment and overall sadness,” Akshay Jha explained.
Gargi said, “Currently, we are spoiled with options and these work dopamine sources. With so many choices people often start talking to many people at once instead of focusing on one and that could lead to burnouts eventually.”
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Why Is Dating Hard in 20s
But I wanted to know about myself – a 26-year-old sad sack whose fingers were now tired of swiping.
Akshay said individuals in their late 20s come with their experience of previous failed relationships and they tend to be not very optimistic about those whom they meet or might meet.
Dating Advice
Gargi said, if you are looking for something meaningful be prepared to cater the same. First, you need to work on yourself. Introspect if you are satisfied with who you are as a person. Because if you don’t fulfil your emotional needs within yourself it wouldn’t be very difficult for somebody else to do it for you. In that case, emotional dissatisfaction goes up.
Was the Dating Scene Better Before It Went Online
In Akshay’s words, there is definitely a “generational difference” too. The joy of receiving a WhatsApp text from a loved one will never match up to the way Millennials and older people felt when they waited all day for a landline call. Gen Z and younger will probably lose the sense of longing altogether.
Anyway, I’ve got to get back to swiping now – for research purposes, of course.